I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
