she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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