I met the friendliest cop last night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
