I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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