I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
