Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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