God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
