oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
