and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
