He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
