At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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