Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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