how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The feeling are messing with the penis
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
