i may or may not be watching the land before time
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
