Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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