They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
