Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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