yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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