'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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