Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think people are normalizing furries
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
