I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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