quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
