Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
