rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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