Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
