i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
and you fell through a lawn chair
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
