I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
