I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
