Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
