probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
