Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
