Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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