K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
