I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
