I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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