you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
