woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
