Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
