you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
