Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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