When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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