Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
