My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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