grandma shit on top of the toilet
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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