Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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