allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
