I feel like abortions should bother me more
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
