My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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