Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im holly from the hills drunk
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
