i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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