just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
