So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
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