we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
