I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
