there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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