By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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