I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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