I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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