Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Pappa wants mamma naked
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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