"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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