You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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