I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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